| 31 WEEKS PREGNANT |
[Mon, Nov 16th, 09 @ 5:04pm] |
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la novela |
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9 more weeks to go. Scared? Yes?
I've heard a lot of negative things about the epidural that I don't want to risk it and be another one of those womens that end up having backaches for the rest of their lives. So I am planning on having natural birth if possible. But who knows maybe at the end ill be crying and demanding for the shot.
Last weekend on the 7th my friends from work had a baby shower for me. It was not a lot of people just people from work, it was fun though. Guys were actually playing the games, measuring my stomach and drinking vodka outta baby bottles.
This weekend that just passed my dad, mom and carlos threw a surprise baby shower for me. It was sweet. I was just standing there in the middle of the crowd surprised of course and with watery eyes. This one was with family
The WEIRD Thing is that my dad did EVERYTHING! He was according to me "at work" while mom was at home mydad cut vegetables and cooked. Set up everything chairs, tables, etc. Oh I forgot to mention it was at my aunts house in the valley. The other surprise was my tio papes, tia rosalba, cousin juan, and cousin fabiola came from gridley, which is about 7-8 hrs away from l.a. They came just for my baby shower. How nice. I received a lot of baby clothes. Al I need is a crib, a car seat, and the strollers. Of course I need lil things here and there but I got the most important things.
Sometimes I get depressed when I am driving down the street listening to the music they played at the club. My addiction. I think how I can't get "drunk as fuck", come home at 10 am the next day or not come home at all. Go where ever I wanted. I didn't have to worry that someone at home was waiting for me to be taken care of by me.. Waiting to see me.
But when I feel my baby kick or just spin around in my belly I forget about all that and feel this urge to see him.
Is he gonna have curly hair like me and carlos? Is he gonna have our color eyes cus me and carlos have light brown eyes. What about his eyelashes? R they gonna be big? Like ours? And I do hope he does not have his nose!
I don't wanna be a bad mom and be like those moms who leave their babies anywhere just to go out and be at the party of the week. Get trashed.. And pick up their baby the next day whenever they wake up.
Anyway, Carlos now lives with me. We hace a married life where we pay rent and worry about having enough for next week's bill.
It sucks growing up.
For my bday I had a dinner.
Its amazing how when u have get togethers u realize who is yr friend.
I think about inviting them because to me they r important persons in my life. I take the time to invite them and give them the address, double check if they received it.
Some excuses they give me are the worst. Just because they don't like a person who I am going with, because they don't like that person's house, because its too crowded. Or because they just simply don't wanna go.
People are selfish and don't deserve my friendship.
Do u remember yr moms saying "no hay mejores amigas tu unica amiga soy yo"
It is not being "sentida" it is realizing that I shouldn't put any effort into certain friendships or maybe it is just growing up.
I prob. Don't make sense.
Ok enough of my ranting.
Next month I go on disability dec. 20th will be my last day of work. I need to get on disability now. This backache is killing me!
9 more weeks.
Jan. 17th. My baby is supposed to be here.
I hardly update because I don't have internet and I gotta type on the sidekick my life story.
Too much
Kk till nextttttt update.
Maybe later when/if I have the time or internet or computer, lol, I will post pictures of me and my belly.
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[Mon, Aug 31st, 09 @ 3:52pm] |
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I am having a BOY!!!!!!
He is gonna be bettys lil baby's bf!
So any name suggestions!
Don't come up with
JOSE
JUAN
PORFIRIO
ALBERTO.. TYPE OF NAMES.
I want original names.. I can't think of any.
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| ULTRASOUND |
[Tue, Jun 16th, 09 @ 6:02pm] |
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Ch1cks0nspeed: I thought u werrre happy wiffff him
tox ic f x ck: I was
tox ic f x ck: but thjat was when we didn't have responsibilites
well yes. that's my dilemma.
got my first ultrasound.
I am officially 9 Weeks and 3 days.
doesn't he/she look like me.. uh okay no
I can't even tell what's what. the u/s guy was just like BLAH. said yr done .. and this is for you. wtf? I DON'T LIKE HIM.
I mean I get the lil circle around cuz of the movie "Knocked Up"
but didn't even show me the lil heart. The nurse yesterday did show me but i couldn't see it.
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| MMM... |
[Thu, May 28th, 09 @ 7:44pm] |
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Me and CARLOS are PREGNANT!
I am almost 7 weeks. It is confirmed. I didn't wanna say anything sooner. cus of last time... but I can't help it. I am a chismosa at heart.
at first I was confused and I am not gonna lie. I was in my room crying because I thought my life was over. I even thought... about other alternatives. But the truth is I don't think I have the ovaries to do it again. Carlos seems so happy. Ever since I met him he has told me that he wants a baby and have a family of his own.
I am making my first appointment by the end of this week. We will see how it goes.
I already told my mom and she is like "BLAH" about it. I don't think she is happy for me. she seems indifferent. Maybe cuz she isn't to fond of carlos.
my dad.. well I am waiting till I am over 3 months to tell him. I AM SO SCARED of him.
anyway, so i've been working overnite and overtime. I am soooo SOO soo SOO tired of this schedule. I mean I am exhausted. i work 10-12 hrs a day ALL the time. its been 3 weeks and tonite is the last DAY. thank geebus.
.. that's it. im done.
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| L;KASD |
[Sun, Dec 14th, 08 @ 7:24pm] |
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whossssss that girlll |
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I got my internet back.
I am so broke.
I got the hospital bills, ambulance bills, credit card bills, everything bills.
I am getting like 16 hrs a week at work.
it just isn't working. Oh to top it all off we (carlos and I) lost both of our phones the same nite. I lost my i.d. and the rent $$$ so uh.. yeah the same nite. there went my whole check.
so I am stressed out.
anyway, still w, carlos. broccoli head carlos.
oh yah I need to go back to the doctor's next month to see if everything is all right. after all that stuff.
I have nothing to say. blah
Just that I am still alive.
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[Tue, Sep 23rd, 08 @ 6:00pm] |
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no music. |
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I AM 21!
AND GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME ON MY BIRTHDAY!
I GOT DRUNK AND PASSED OUT AT THE CLUB AFTER 1 HOUR AND A HALF OF BEING THERE.
AT MY BIRTHDAY PARTY I DIDN'T EVEN DRINK I WAS SUPER SOBER.
P.S.
me my mom and carlos are planning on moving out together. we are looking for a job for my mom. then we are out.
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| AHHH |
[Wed, Aug 13th, 08 @ 3:21pm] |
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HOLA BEBEEEEEEe |
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I told my mom already.
she said "AY ADDY AND I BET ITS CARLOS'" I was like OH MY GOD PSYCHIC.. she said "you aren't gonna go to school no more, do the things you wanted to do...." I said "I know mom but if other girls can do it I KNOW I CAN DO IT".
Then she started telling me how I should go to a nice hospital like "Kaiser Permanente" and not a regular small clinic. She said its nicer at those places.
We went to the store and she saw some baby bottles on sale and said "LOOOK ADDYYYY FOR YOU" I laughed and said "SHUT UPPP HAHAHAHA"
I AM so glad that she is in this with me. She asked what had Carlos said and I told her what he thought. She didn't say anything but I think she is glad that he is willing to take full responsibility and is planning to start a family... (i mean obviously) well a stable one.
Now we gotta tell my dad, me and Carlos are shitting our pants.
I am getting all my friends' support. I am happy. They know what I have been through and are happy that I am keeping it. I thought they were gonna get upset... cuz they have been waiting for me to turn 21 to be able to go out and party at bars. 21+ clubs... etc. 1 month before and bam! curse.
But overall I am glad my mom is joking about it and supporting me at the same time.
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[Thu, May 22nd, 08 @ 2:15pm] |
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Nigga |
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I am still heart broken. but whatever.
I think about him occasssssssionally. When I am bored. I think. Well actually I only think about him on the weekends! because I always had a place to go on the weekends after dancing.
Is it that what I miss? Because I don't get sad during the weekdays. Well I didn't even talk to him on the weekdays. I just think it was the routine. Okay nevermind let me rephrase that.
(okay I just realized that writing on your journal makes you feel so much better.. Well okay I already knew that but it makes you realize things, like now) Then when I hear all those songs that remind me of him I get sad. But it is like, I hear those songs at the club. I listen to them at home. On my friends' car. Maybe I am just obsessed with the fact that I had a boyfriend and he made me feel good. Because I felt loved. But like Zoe said, I need to stop using other people to feel better. But isn't that love? I mean, its supposed to hurt right. The first week I am not gonna lie I was crying in my room. Something I didn't do when... and I felt like calling him. He called me first then I started telling him how I felt and he cried too. then a week later he has a new gf. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ALKSDJFAF. OKay I should have known that. He once told me that he couldn't be like me, just to be single and fuck around.. and that he HAD to have a girlfriend even though he didn't like her because he felt alone. But I think he broke up with me because he wanted to be with another girl. (okay if anyone is reading this... don't mind me, I jump from one subject to another and then I come back to the beginning and say that same sentence over again) because he was picking fights with me. I went along. I shouldn't have had. or maybe IT WASSSS my fault. because I went to his house drunk and I yelled at him when I saw him outside with two girls. I didn't make a scene. I waited till the girls left.
this past friday was the end. it was like a disaster. I went over to his house and He didn't let me in. he told me "I CAN'T LET YOU IN MY GIRLFRIEND IS HERE" I told him "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. I already told you that you could have other girlfriends and I could give a fuck, all I want is to sleep" but he left me to freeeeeeeze outside. Honestly I didn't care at the moment, I just wanted to sleep because it was like 4am. I don't even remember seeing carlos. actually I didn't even look at Carlos. The black screen door didn't let me see him and when I WAS IN THE BACK. he opened the door, my back was facing him and I just told him "PLEASE GO AWAY I DON'T WANT YOU TALKING TO ME PLEASE DON'T TALK TO ME.. PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE" and he did leave. I just remember him saying "QUE PUTAS HACES AQUI?" I just stood there quietly sipping on my sparks and crying. Oscar called me and he picked me up. I bet when Oscar picked me up he thought I was the fugliest girl ever. I woke up with scratches on my leg and with mascara or eye liner on my arm. I had the biggest hangover of the year. throwing up in a lil target bag. which i spilled all over my room.
but hey that didn't stop me from going out saturday. I met a new guy and now I am talking to him. He calls me 24/7 but in a way I miss my old days when I'd go to 'los his house and spend the nite. Maybe I just miss his friendship because we were more like friends rather than girlfriend and boyfriend. Because we didn't go on dates or anything all we would do is go to the clubs drink and go home and fuck. on the weekends. =/ whatever. Karma is a bitch.
I don't think I ever want to hang out with someone so much till I get used to them. Because then it hurts soo much and you mistaken it for love, if it is not. maybe. or whatever. I don't have my emotions clear now. I keep on contradicting myself.
whatever it all could go to hell.
I am back to being a slut.
<33
me and monet.
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[Thu, May 1st, 08 @ 4:41pm] |
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thriller. |
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My grandma passed away. the one I used to go to every sunday. In the valley. If you knew me. You knew.. SUNDAYS = Addy is at grandma's. WE found out that she had cancer. and they gave her 6 months. If she did chemotherapy she would be able to live up to 2 years. Well I guess it was of no use because my grandma was yellow.. with no hair and she only lived 5 months.
I hated going over. I didn't even go on sundays anymore. Her house was like DEPRESSING. Everyone knew she was going to die. Last time I went to go see her was 2 sundays before she passed away. She told me "ADDY I AM SO GLAD YOU CAME TO SEE ME.. YOU HARDLY COME ANYMORE.. BUT I AM GLAD YOU CAME TO SEE ME" I was like =D. I kept on having dreams that she died and I didn't get to say goodbye. Well last tuesday (4/22) my mom told me she only had a few hours left to live. Right after work I had biviana take me to the valley. While I was on my way.. a few blocks away.. I got this feeling.. my heart started racing. then I got a text from my brother saying "she stopped breathing.. she is gone...". When I got to her house. everyone was there. My mom came running to me as I walked in the living room and she hugged me so tight.. I did too. and she started crying. It was so sad. I saw my grandma laying there. I seriously said to myself, "this ain't my grandma this can't be they switched them". She was so YELLOW, bald, and so skinny like a prune. It looked like she was living but already dead. I can't believe she is gone. I really can't.
they gave me 5 days off from work.. and I spent them at carlos' house. It was big ass drama. But had fun. apparently me and my friends share lovers. ew. Carlos now wants me to move in., well to move into our own place together. Ehh! I was considering it. But now I am like ehhhh I don't want to no more.
p.s. I keep on having dreams about him. That he is looking for me. that he is thinking about me and he wants to know how I am doing.
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| HAHAHA! |
[Fri, Apr 11th, 08 @ 5:34pm] |
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Eddy Lover and Predicador |
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I was reading my old ENTRIES!
oh my god!!!! I was reading the ones from December '03. When Bryan had gone to Utah. How me and Zoe got drunk and talk ONLINE. I guess CYBERDRINK. HA! We talked about our boyfriends. I got really drunk and called Patty for Bryan's cousin's number "Wendy". How I asked her for Willy's number. I called his MOM and asked for Bryan so she could give me Willy's number so I could talk to BRYAN! but I only got cussed out! HAHAHAH Then I told Zoe about it and she wanted to get cussed out so we called his mom again and we laughed about it afterwards. ALSO I felt like throwing up so I opened my window from my room and at the time there were some clothes from some lady that lived in the back and I threw up all over them. HAHAHAH! Also I felt like peeing and (just to let you know my bathroom is right in front of my room) I told zoe "I NEED TO PEE" and she said "then just peeeeeee" so I pulled down my pants and panties and peeing here in my room! HILARIOUS!
back then I couldn't go to my OLD ENTRIES and read because I would start crying. But now I could and I even laugh about it and say "GOOD TIMES.. GOOOOOOD TIMES" with a smile on my face. I feel soo much better now.
Never IN MY LIFE! Would have I thought that I'd be here where I am right now. That I would go to paisa clubs.. that at "LA BOOM" I would meet and fall in love with some 23 year old SALVADORIAN named Carlos that speaks Broken English. Back then I would give anything to spend a whole weekend with Bryan.. and now I spend the night at CARLOS house from Friday to Sunday night, cook together, clean the house together. I mean I still the ride the bus with him but that's my choice. I don't even get the bus HALF the time. When we go out, we get taxis.
I wanted a cell phone, a job, internet, and I always dreamed of having a phone line with MY NAME. Whenever I would call someone for my name to come up above the phone number. AND NOW I have it. Fucken crazy.
Anyway well yes!
I don't want to jinx anything but me and Carlos are doing very good right now. I don't wanna trust him because of our past but, he seems so sincere now. We call each other every day. Even if its for 1 minute. We have different schedules. I work from 5am to 2pm and he works from 3pm to 11:30pm. I work Monday thru Friday and he only has Wednesday and Thursday off. So its hard to see each other. So whenever we get the chance to talk on our breaks/lunches and/or when we go to the bathroom and could get away for 3 minutes we call each other. He surprises me because he was the one that started doing it. He'd call me and say "what are you doing?" I'd say "nothing watching t.v." he says "oh okay I just called you to say I love u... I'll talk to you later I gotta get back to work".. AWWWW. He isn't afraid to have me around in front of his friends! He introduces me to EVERYONE as his "futura" or "my future wife" in english haha!
I am not saying I am the hottest girl but Carlos' best friend forever tried hitting on me. (this friend tried HITTING ME! ONCE AT the night club because I dropped his cocaine when he tried offering Carlos some and well I got mad.. so I dropped it) Well he tried kissing me last weekend when Carlos stopped to get a drink. I felt really bad because I didn't know what to say.. how to react because I used to just make out with anyone at the club but this time I have a boyfriend who I have respected so far and not cheated and I don't WANT TO! not like the ones before. and this was his FRIEND! SO CALLED FRIEND. I told Carlos about it but made him promise me that he wouldn't say anything.
Also his best friend's FRIEND Oscar. The one I mentioned before.. when we got off the car because it was the "square of love" not the triangle of love since all four of us where in the car.. grabbed my snatch. and whispered in my ear how he wanted to be with me and how he was mad that he couldn't kiss me or do "anything" to me because I had a boyfriend. I felt REAL bad. I told Raul about it and he laughed at me about how I had 3 to chose from. HAHAH! true! but whatever.
EW ITS friday and I am surfing the crimson waves! yuck! that sucks ass for me!
I am having dinner with some co workers. He invited me out to dinner and a movie along with Nancy. I feel bad because I always hang out with Carlos. We always go to city walk and watch a movie with Nancy and her husband Neo. Like double date. But tonight I am having dinner and a movie with someone else. I told him about it. Maybe afterwards we could go pick him up at his job and maybe I could spend the night.
p.s.
I promise I am going to eat HEALTHIER!
I feel like I gained weight. maybe I was just pmsing eating CHIPS and soda. ew! and not just diet coke but REGULAR SODA! AHHHHH
We look like shit.. but we were about to take a shower and get ready to go clubbin'
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| =[ |
[Mon, Mar 24th, 08 @ 10:19pm] |
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Carlitos |
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Niga |
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I am scared. I feel like I am falling for Carlos, everyday. I mean I do deserve to be in love with someone, after EVERYTHING I've gone through. AHHH BUT I am scared. He is the type of guy that wants to marry and have kids and live happily ever after. okay well we all know that's not gonna happen but, before I even started liking him again.. was asking if I wanted to marry him and I'd LAUGH at his face like 'PFFFT YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! WHO WANTS TO MARRY RIGHT NOW SPECIALLY YOU' or 'yeah I'll live with you but you can't get mad when I bring other guys over!'. I even... well had something to do with his friend. Oscar. I used to be at Oscar's house and then go to CARLO'S right after. with a kool aid on my face. I'd have Oscar drop me off and then when Carlos would want to kiss me I'd be like "ew don't kiss me because I just got done with so and so".
But now I regret it. I even said "for all the things that I've done to you and that you probably have no idea I did or you probably do have an idea but you are in denial... I want to ask you to forgive me" He was just like "I understand you. You were probably drunk. We are now together and that's all that matters" (well I wasn't drunk all those times... ehh) I feel real bad.
but Its this wonderful thing that.. I am feeling right now. THIS SUCKS.
=[
Me: ay biviana. Se me hace que ya cai. :( con el cerote de Carlos. Que hago?
Biviana: T dije k estas enamorada
Me: Que pendejo de mi parte. Y al principio yo andaba que "wakalaaaa!!!" que feo. nasty. ni lo queria besar xq me daba asco. Y ahora aqui ando cacheteando banquetas. como estupida. :(
Biviana: asi es l amor t apendeja todita y lo fe lo miras guapo.... ni modo ya t enamoraste d carlitos.
Me: Pues lo bueno que no me detiene de ir a bailar. hahaha
Biviana: Eso si pk si no conkien boya salir a bailar.
oh god that's the only thing I think abouT. DANCING.
plus he is such a nice guy, he waits for me outside the club. Waits for me after all the guys me dieron una agasajada. I am not lying. he LITERALLY waits for me outside. or at home. he waits for me at his house and I just go over there right after the club. spend the night. SIGH SIGH SIGH. I basically live there friday through sunday.
♥ ♥
I am in love.
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| UM.... |
[Wed, Mar 5th, 08 @ 5:54pm] |
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Arcangel y De La Ghetto |
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OKAY I AM BACK!
I didn't have internet. A lot has happened in these two months. or uh 3?
My mom left. She didn't live with me for a while. But she is back. Now My dad kicked her out again. I miss her. When she left. I thought my life was over. I am a very dependent needy person, when it comes down to her. I admit it. I love her. We would eat.. uh sandwiches or beans with tortillas for dinner. HOW SAD.
I have been hanging out with Biviana, a lot lately. We work together. I see her every damn day of the week. I mean seriously. We go to the clubs together. and we only like MJS! but the only difference is that she likes hip hop and I like Reggae Panameno. EH! SO we argue about what room to go to.
She has been seeing Monet's Adrian. From La Boom. It is weird for all of us seeing her with him. I think she really likes Adrian. Me and Nancy even say that it is weird. Biviana gets real drunk. Like me back in the days but she is more violent. I have been at the point where I just want to beat the shit out of her. But I can't. I Haven't been drinking the way I used to. where I am throwing up and having blackouts.
Adrian's friend Tito.. a.k.a. SKELETONEEEEEEE LIKES ME. Ew! fucken salvis.
CARLOS!!!!!!!!!!! THE CAMP BOY. MY EX. I think I am falling for him. After him trying for allllllllll THESE months. I think he finally did it. But not alllll the way because I am still debating if I should just be his girlfriend or not be his girlfriend. The reason for this is because I want to be single and not have any drama with anybody no jealousy, no fights, no "you can't go there because so and so". I like being single. Not worrying about anybody. not spending my $$$ on nobody. But I am liking him. I AM FALLING FOR HIM BIG TIME. It sucks. My life is gonna be OVER! like seriously over! lol. I don't want to start crying all over again cuz of dumb boys.
But he is really jealous he gets jealous over anybody. Well specially Oscar (oscar is one of his crew's member.. cuz they are in a crew and Oscar is in it and I had something to do with him, but I really didn't know it was his friend.... KINDA???) If he hears the name Oscar he will get mad. He throws tantrums, MAKEs drama at the clubs etc. ugh. what to do.
mm, I have a house phone. NEW NUMBER! I have internet now.
I think that is it.
oh wait no.. I had a new coke vendor boyfriend. (okay when I say BOYFRIEND.. it just means someone who is attractive) but AMOS told him That THINGS happened between us. and that according to the coke vendor that he "claimed me" eh. LIE OR TRUTH?
p.s. I wanna move out.
p.s.s. I have time so I am going to write the story behind me and carlos.
I went to la boom with Monet one nite. her first time. She met this guy named Adrian. THe following week we went to la BOOM again. I was looking for adrian and I saw him dancing with this fugly big nosed girl. So I got monet and I went to the dance floor and STARTED dancing next to him and we kept on looking at him. and I was staring at him. So when he was staring at me back! and smiling and he didn't even look at monet, I was like... uhh.. something is wrong. Later that nite. I was real drunk and I told "Adrian" "HEY!!!!!!! I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ALLLLL NIGHT LETS GO DANCE!!!!! and I pulled him to the dance floor" the following day.. the same guy calls me and it turned out that he wasn't adrian that he was Carlos.
how cute!
k pictures.
MEET BIVIANA
Biviana and Adrian
Carlos and ME <3333
<33333333
and meeeeeeeeeeeeee
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[Thu, Dec 27th, 07 @ 4:24am] |
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Aspirante |
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<333 My attributes. hah. no one knows what i am talking about. just I do. mm.
Dile que me quieres que me amas, diselo mi amoooor.. okay its a song!
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im_downsyndrome's journal
